I Don't Like You
by HifaLootin
Summary: Everybody makes mistakes. And sometimes they're hilarious! House, Wilson and exwife Julie partake in the art of the faux pas.


a/n: This is a series of five drabbles based on quotes pulled from _I Like You _by Amy Sedaris. The idea came from a challenge set by anamatics on That said, read away!

**I Don't Like You**

**- **

_60. Unfortunately, the one thing you can expect with most unexpected guests is that they are not expected anywhere._

This is House's nightmare:

He's looking at a quiet evening of the Playboy channel and pizza, when his parents show up at the door all _Oh, Greg, we wanted to stop by and surprise you_ and invite themselves in. Then while they're on the sofa, tuning the television to Lawrence Welk, the doorbell rings again and there's Dr. Cameron and the whole damn Cameron clan apologizing for the inconvenience but _We were in the neighborhood and just had to stop by and meet Allison's boss._ And then somehow the Foremans are right behind them, jabbering about a flat tire and pushing their way past House and into the foyer...

He can never remember the details, but for some reason he wakes up appreciating Chase.

- _  
_

_110. You've got fifteen to twenty children in your home, and they're getting restless._

Julie just wants to stand in the kitchen smoking cigarettes but James won't let her because smoke is _bad_ for immuno-compromised children. So instead she just grins and nods as a mother gushes _how _generous_ of the Wilsons to host the surprise party for Andi's 10th birthday_.

"This is probably her last one," James had pleaded. "It's a small favor, Jules."

Julie doesn't want to be the bad guy, but a couple of kids are playing catch with the cat and one more is jumping on the sofa, and it's just a matter of time before someone starts flinging cake.

"Hey kids!" she says, clapping her hands. "Want to play a fun game? It's called _cemetery_."

In retrospect, that was probably misadvised.

-

_50. How to remove vomit stains._

"I'm Dr. House, and my soap's on in ten minutes, so make it snappy."

The woman in Exam Room 2 is holding a kid on her lap who is much too big to be on her lap. And she's unimpressed by his entrance.

"I know who you are," the woman snaps, annoyed enough to suggest they'd indeed had a previous encounter.

House looks again at the kid and remembers—last month, Andi's 10th birthday party. Right. This little brat had scarfed two pieces of cake then promptly vomited on his shoes.

He supposes the mother remembers how he turned to the kid and balked, "Oh for the love of God, you don't even have cancer."

Today is not his day.

-

_90. As a host, you will have to accept early on in the party process that some or many of your guests will have psychological problems and these need to be considered._

Looking over House's department RSVP, Wilson second guesses leaving a space for "special needs."

_Cameron – Keep her away from the dying. Esp. women and bachelors._

_Chase – Hates fat people. Don't seat him with anyone fat, or anyone who might have fat friends._

_Foreman – Lock up the good silverware._

Wilson wishes House had written one for himself. Thinking back to that dinner with Julie, when House had stumbled in their door post infarction and fresh from The Big Breakup, Wilson remembered two things: himself, standing over the rotisserie chicken and asking "Can I cut you a thigh?" and Julie subsequently choking and needing the Heimlich.

Sometimes he really misses her.

-

_70. I LIKE YOU_

The last time the three of them are seen together it is Wilson-Wilson-House—Julie-James-Greg—three monkeys on barstools, hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. That last one's rather ironic, James Wilson thinks, whiskey burning the back of his throat.

The music's too loud to talk, but that's why they're here.

At some point, Julie's eyes go hard and she scribbles down a message on a cocktail napkin, shoves it in front of James.

I DON'T LIKE YOU.

He doesn't know what to do, so he passes it to House, who looks at it, scratches out the second word, underlines the first and passes it back to Wilson.

_I_ LIKE YOU.

Wilson passes it back to Julie.

He doesn't realize he's missed the point.

-

a/n: In her challenge, Anamatics suggested using a book or novel, which gave me the idea to use I Like You a sort of goofy "how-to" book and led me to the drabbles you see here. For a couple of these, I was trying to think a little like Amy Sedaris, which is probably impossible but fun to aspire too.

Want to tell me what you thought?


End file.
